I’m shit at time management. A whole day could go by and at the end of it, I don’t even know what I’ve done with the gift of life. Yes, there are big deals and little things- and sometimes it’s okay if all you do for the day is breathe. I do get around to the things I have to do, but I am often paralysed by the feeling that I’m wasting my life.
I woke up this morning wondering why I squander my time so much and just as quickly as the question came, the answer hit me:
It’s one of two things, or both of them: (or maybe the two things really constitute one thing)
- You don’t know your purpose in life.
- You don’t fully appreciate the value of your presence.
I have dreams. I strive to be a good person. But my purpose. What is MY purpose?
Have you truly thought about why YOU are here? Or what YOU are meant to do? It’s not enough anymore for me to say I want to grow up, get money and be useful in my community. I’m beginning to feel like those are good, but very vague and general, they’re just underlying things that should be on the minds of everyone my age- and my purpose and direction need to be more defined than that.
I’m not talking pre-destination. I mean, even if you don’t feel like you were born to do a set of things in the world, have you identified your own personal assignment?
I think that I don’t really know the value of my presence on Earth. Singing ‘I Was Here’ gives me the chills, but eez like It hasn’t really sunk in, I’m not too convinced. Funny, but not funny. Life is too short, we all know this. And then we lose someone or someone we know loses someone and we are reminded- and we are deep for a day and then we forget. If you are truly aware of how life short is, why you no make every moment count? How can you waste time if you really know you don’t have much left?
I look at my parents. They are mostly the standard for what to be when I’m all grown up. They are two very driven, very focused individuals. Even on off days, everything has a sense of purpose, a reason. Time with friends, time with family, nap time, wedding or party time. Clearly, they know the value of life. And time.
Is it that I don’t have a lot on my plate yet? Is this something life is going to teach me? Will it come with age and experience, should I just wait?
And if I get hit by a bus next week, then what? People have died younger and can account for SO much more.
I’m going to try to be conscious of my time today, and small small, I’ll try to take it from there. I’ve also asked God to help me discover my purpose.
On my birthday last year, I told myself I’d keep a journal and have at least 52 entries by my next birthday. An unexamined life is not worth living, and it all happens so fast, the only times I can really sit and think are when I have my pen in my hand.
This is my 38th entry, I’m not yet sure why I wanted to share it- but anyway.